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Whatever.

It has been a quite long while since I decided to write anything and I am not sure why. I have been feeling so blank and steady, in a way that I had to lie to myself about how good it is. It is not. Not a single bit.
The nothingness I used to long for didn’t really feel as good as I expected. I used to have blends of feelings below my flesh and floods of hormones inside my bloodstream. I hated it back then. I lied. Or I don’t know what kind of feelings I have for it because right now, I am not feeling anything except brain blankness.
Right now, there is nothing going on with my life actually, or I like to avoid getting myself into any situations or any kind of interaction that will take up lots of thoughts or self-talks. I don’t have a routine either. I just spend most of time on my own, read, watch movies or do anything that will not involve anyone. I don’t have a favourite person to share anything with and I don’t need anyone. Anyway, it is not something to be proud of. I mean, I avoided heartbreaks, sad moments, and every ache or confusion you might get because of humans but the other side of the story is not the total opposite. I am still feeling bored and numb. I ran out of feelings to put into words (And that’s why this blog piece sounds actually shitty and tough).
This blankness is not what you aim for, and it is not as beautiful as a plain sky. It is tedious and exhausting. It won’t even let me meditate because the rusty attitude won’t let me be. My mind is too clear and everything looks pointless. I am not sure about my path. I am a human being and there are billions of me.  Whatever I try to accomplish won’t move my insides or make me shiver, whatever I don’t achieve won’t ever cross my mind.

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