The Cairene

On a boring afternoon of a tasteless Tuesday, I decided to put on my dilapidated ivory converse and take a walk around the C-town. I wasn't so sure that I am strong enough to leave the house without a single penny, but I knew I am not powerless- not too powerful though.   I roamed around the streets, aimlessly and observed all the details, the blotted out ones, the presented ones,  and even more, I observed the nothingness. Old buildings encircled me as I walked, with the shops and retails armoring the entrance of, almost, every ageing building. The sound of shishas’ water being blown, the dices being thrown along with the aching sound cracked slow laughs of old men bring back my parents’ picture of long-gone youth into my mind. My wounds were touched as I watched these grey men play, laugh, frown and lour as if they are back to being kids again. The embarrassment threw cold breeze along my spine, yet  I caught up myself smiling every time a grizzly-headed cheered after ...

In this moment, where I am writing this line, the world population count is 7,121,438,075 and it decreases and increases every millisecond of time passing by. I stopped focusing with the number and start thinking that I am one of that count, I am one of the seven billions other people struggling through life. Then I scrolled down and saw the number of deaths and I starting thinking to myself that one day, I will be one of that count as well. I found myself drifting away from all of the numbers and my head took me to self questioning. Who am I? I am one in an ocean of people. I started to think to myself, I am just a person; a tiny flesh compared to everything else, starting from humans and ending at atoms, molecules and every little thing created in wide vacuum. I, as a human, should live for self and others. I am going to admit that I, apparently, happen to not like people so much, but I am still something. I want to cross a line and leave my mark somewhere that I have decide...

Some things happen without a sign or a miracle. I lost all my wars and battles, and I don't know why. I feel sad, all the time, like there is nothing that ever make me smile again although I try. I fail, and I don't know why. I am always down, being grabbed deeper below by some abstract force and I don't fight myself. I don't know how. I have lost interests in all what I have always loved and I can't go back. I can't get you, nor my old self back. I won't try because I know my inner voice will say 'I don't know'. I don't know what I am writing now or what's the point, but if you are asking; here's my answer: I don't know.  I take long walks into the dark side. I like it in a way that I have never known. I am messy, emotionally numb and confused. Don't ask, we both know that I don't know.  I watch people and sank into their moves and unspoken words. I know them all, but when it comes to me saying what I saw out loud, I just...

It has been a long while since I let out my inner bullshit on my blog. I haven't been writing anything about my own feelings, or I didn't try to put them in words, pour them out through my shaky fingertips pressing on the keyboard buttons, confused and bewildered. I am not sure of what I want exactly and I am not sure if I going to do anything about it. As for now, I am trying to put the letters next to each other to end up making any sense. I have to let it out. I need to. I need to runaway, and by running away, I don't mean from the place where I am sitting right now. It's not about home, it's not about land and it's not about this fucked up country. Those things are really small compared to all what I have inside my head. It usually feels like a whole new universe but without a sun or a moon. Light and dark comes in the form of emotions and feelings. The worst thing is that there's no time or clocks and it only hits me. It hits and grabs me along as I ...

We don’t control our feelings toward anyone. We just can’t undo feeling something. We get stuck in wanting something which we probably can’t have. She knows about that and maybe more, but she just can not cope or relax. It haunts her thoughts and forces her to shed tears. It bothers her how she’s clinging but with that part inside her begging her to let go. She can’t have them, yet she can’t escape them. She have to stop loving those who don’t notice her, yet she can’t stop nor hate. It freezes her mind and blow away her confidence. It built up walls of indescribable feelings inside her. Those walls of burdens are full of holes of uncertainty which she’s afraid if they fell, they would grab her down. She doesn't want her bad decisions to lead her to her downfall, but it’s not in her hands. She isn't controlling herself anymore. She’s always gone unnoticed. Maybe it helps her to give up on trying, but it doesn't help when it comes to self love....

I don’t what I want to say or how I am going to start this. Let’s agree that I will just let my fingers touch the Keyboard and the bullshit will come out eventually. *SPOILER*: I am going to just rant. If you aren't allergic to bullshit, keep reading. If you are allergic to bullshit, keep fucking reading! Falling for someone is stupid. Needing someone is awful. This ain't working but i am just expressing how I have realised that there is no such a thing called getting over someone or forgetting about them. We don’t simply forget about someone who once moved us. Some people will always own that corner of you brain no matter how fast they ran or how bad they hurt you.  It doesn't have to be about love and relationships, it’s just about human beings and their power to ruin each other.  Maybe you don’t keep wanting that person in your life, but there will be time when they start fucking up your mind and their small corner in your brain w...

I am mentally exhausted. I am broke and I don’t know if it’s because I want you or because I won’t admit it to you. I don’t want to know either. I’d wish to have you but I won’t. I’d tell you that I need you but I don’t. I can’t love you as much as I like you. I am falling but not in love and I don’t know what I am falling into which is making it more sophisticated. Yes, I want your least attention but I don’t want it because it makes me greedy while I can’t have more. I am sick of over thinking about something that will never exist. I am sick of you and your perfection in my eyes though you are so screwed and imperfect.  Your name depresses me and puts a smile on my face at the same time. But I should hold my shit together and you aren't letting me. I am stuck in the middle of liking you and not having the courage to tell you about it. I don’t know my chances but I won’t chase you. I know I will eventually hate you. I do now but I don’t. Sooner or...