How I saved myself from drowning.

It has been a long time since I wrote anything and I have no clue why. Maybe I was constantly busy and distracted by the things that took place in front of my eyes rather than those which wade in the universes beneath my skin. Maybe because of many other reasons, but now I am not perturbed anymore, and I am more aware of all what is going on.

Life is alright and death is around the corner; I still find myself confused which happens first. Life is alright and it is full of white, coloured and sugar coated lies. We are not even surprised. If you work hard, you will succeed, they said. If you fight, you win, they said. Life is good, they said. Be thankful, they said. Fuck you, I might say.

Fuck you, and not because you are lying, but because you are blinded by your lies. I walk in the street and see pain. Every step reminds me of how unfair life is, in every single way. We aren't grabbed below that train, but other helpless people are. Claiming that everything is going to be alright is the biggest lie you can tell, and it is not all about you. Only partially because that's how you feed your soul with denial. On the other hand, people disadvantaged have a more powerful pain that will never heal by the lies you tell. Without a shelter, a home and the daily bread, you are deceiving them if you say life is good. If you find people getting oppressed by their government whiles others getting killed by an occupation, then you don't get to lie openly. Lie to yourself and face the consequence later, but not to them.

Again, fuck you, I am haunted.

Remembering my whole life and childhood, how I never wanted to befriend anyone, how I valued everything and considered it all beautiful, I think I was full of contradictions. I don't blame anyone. I can't blame myself either. Yet as I grew older, I found it harder to know gratitude or satisfaction. I looked after myself less and watched the word suck up all my energy without me fighting back. I didn't want it anymore although I was only 15. I had power in my eyes, yet I used it to watch my will to leave fade away. I think that was what I enjoyed watching most of the time. I thought that how I escape, I was incorrect. Because the more I let go, the lesser I felt detached to all the wrong things.   

My head was full of bad dreams and nightmarish daydreams, and eventually I turned out to be the biggest liar I would ever meet. Those I have always despised, I became one of them. I didn't lie to others, but I lied to myself without realizing how I hurt everyone around. I had wars inside my head, more barbaric than those I heard about in the news.  Basically, I deceived them all. I thought that the minimal interaction with humans is enough for them to leave me alone; I was so egoistic. I had to get rid of it all.

I only had one grace which I wasn't thankful enough for. I never realized how I existed in words and in the spaces between them. I used them badly because I didn't see them as a grace back them. I lied through sentences and deceived myself writing away only anger in my journal. I gave my mood's controller to my demons and let myself sink in the deepest water. I went deep and suffocated myself. I knew there was something wrong with the world around me and I knew how it got to me more than it should. I stayed down and felt too scared to come out before going over all what went wrong.

I came out and floated. I built my ship with words with extra rafts for those in need. I burst my own bubble and spoke to others. I didn't hide in books anymore and compromised related to what I read and what I see. I figured out how the world outside and the universe inside my head have so much in common. I learnt how to deal with both. I did all the Math and I liked it.

I started going out more often, talking more often and met new people then never saw them again. I hurt and got hurt, lied and was lied to. I loved and hated and screamed and fought. It wasn't all perfect, but it felt real.

I wrote it all down and read it all loud. I began to swim and it didn't matter to me if my toes can touch the ocean's floor. I knew how to look after myself amid all the wars. I let some apathy in and started to insincerely smile to everyone and everything. Things came and go and more of my words existed on papers.

I wrote it all down and realized how things don't have to be exactly the opposite of the bad person I once was. I realized how the opposite of bad can sometimes be something else other than 'good'. I liked the imperfections and flaws. They looked real and felt tangible. I knew that life and death are different and that the similarity between them is something that I decide or a form that I shape.

I wrote about it all, and that's how I saved myself from drowning.