It makes me a human.

Right now, I am staying in my room by my own, eating ice-cream off the family-sized jar and wondering why I am not outdoors chilling or meeting anyone who could make my life a little bit interesting.

I stopped typing for a while. I am still frozen in my place like the ice-cream I am eating (it’s not really frozen), but what? I can’t think of anyone to hang out with. I am trying to re-think, but I know my brain won’t let me since it is screaming; “You will die alone, sad and alone”.

But wait, won’t we all? I am not sure but I know I might.

I am a sinner. I am a hopeless sinner, a bad person, a liar and a hypocrite. I don’t know what should I label myself with or if I should label myself or not, but I’d rather do it than let anyone label me. I’ve lied to people, hurt some, pushed away many and let down the rest. And before all, I have been a bad person, to myself. I looked back way too many times and I realized that the bad will always win, even though if your good was of a higher quantity by the bad always know the fast and short way through your life and peoples’ memory. No one will remember the good you’ve done for them and they will wait for your first mistake so they turn tables against you. I’ve done that once before, and it is not something to brag about. It’s ridiculous.

During the past month, I have been looking back at everything through my life. All my mistakes, my flaws, my insecurities and the few little good things I did. I couldn’t come up with any conclusion, it’s not possible. For almost nineteen years, 6935 earth days, I have been living for nothing. Until last month, I used to think that I can live for people, but today I realized it is bullshit. I tried to think that I should live for myself, but then I realized it is utter bullshit. Yes, I live for God, the almighty, but what now?

I’m here. I am breathing. I might not be totally alive since I am not living my life to its fullest, but there’s blood running through my veins because there’s a heart pumping inside my chest. This doesn’t make me a good or a bad person. It doesn’t make me loved or hated. It doesn’t make me anything, but a human. I sigh and look back at everything once more. Yes, I look back a lot and you should too. Don’t listen to those who keep saying inspirational crap like “Never look back and start ahead”. Bullshit.

I sigh and look back at everything over and over. I’m here. My past made me. It might not literally define the person I am today, but it’s what brought me here and it’s the reason I know where I stand. I learnt and I learnt more than I thought I need to know. I learnt and I am keeping every lesson learnt at the back of my head for every time I stray.

I am still learning though because my current knowledge is very narrow and there are infinite numbers of lessons for me to learn. But as for now, in this moment, I am writing this piece, not trying to learn anything new, maybe I am having a break or a gap hour from the busy life outside my room’s door and window. In this moment, I am breathing and it makes me what you are, and what they are. It makes me a human.


*The ice-cream melt and so did my brain.