Skip to main content

It makes me a human.

Right now, I am staying in my room by my own, eating ice-cream off the family-sized jar and wondering why I am not outdoors chilling or meeting anyone who could make my life a little bit interesting.

I stopped typing for a while. I am still frozen in my place like the ice-cream I am eating (it’s not really frozen), but what? I can’t think of anyone to hang out with. I am trying to re-think, but I know my brain won’t let me since it is screaming; “You will die alone, sad and alone”.

But wait, won’t we all? I am not sure but I know I might.

I am a sinner. I am a hopeless sinner, a bad person, a liar and a hypocrite. I don’t know what should I label myself with or if I should label myself or not, but I’d rather do it than let anyone label me. I’ve lied to people, hurt some, pushed away many and let down the rest. And before all, I have been a bad person, to myself. I looked back way too many times and I realized that the bad will always win, even though if your good was of a higher quantity by the bad always know the fast and short way through your life and peoples’ memory. No one will remember the good you’ve done for them and they will wait for your first mistake so they turn tables against you. I’ve done that once before, and it is not something to brag about. It’s ridiculous.

During the past month, I have been looking back at everything through my life. All my mistakes, my flaws, my insecurities and the few little good things I did. I couldn’t come up with any conclusion, it’s not possible. For almost nineteen years, 6935 earth days, I have been living for nothing. Until last month, I used to think that I can live for people, but today I realized it is bullshit. I tried to think that I should live for myself, but then I realized it is utter bullshit. Yes, I live for God, the almighty, but what now?

I’m here. I am breathing. I might not be totally alive since I am not living my life to its fullest, but there’s blood running through my veins because there’s a heart pumping inside my chest. This doesn’t make me a good or a bad person. It doesn’t make me loved or hated. It doesn’t make me anything, but a human. I sigh and look back at everything once more. Yes, I look back a lot and you should too. Don’t listen to those who keep saying inspirational crap like “Never look back and start ahead”. Bullshit.

I sigh and look back at everything over and over. I’m here. My past made me. It might not literally define the person I am today, but it’s what brought me here and it’s the reason I know where I stand. I learnt and I learnt more than I thought I need to know. I learnt and I am keeping every lesson learnt at the back of my head for every time I stray.

I am still learning though because my current knowledge is very narrow and there are infinite numbers of lessons for me to learn. But as for now, in this moment, I am writing this piece, not trying to learn anything new, maybe I am having a break or a gap hour from the busy life outside my room’s door and window. In this moment, I am breathing and it makes me what you are, and what they are. It makes me a human.


*The ice-cream melt and so did my brain.


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

11 Types of Students you meet at CUFE.

Disclaimer: This post is for fun purpose, so you guys don't take it seriously. It is all about generalizing and no one is particularly targeted. 1- AIESEC Fanatics: They think they are the coolest people taking part in the most cool extracurricular activity. They MUST, I repeat, they must be wearing those lousy aiesec bracelets. They try too hard to look like a badass group specially when it comes to standing at their booth. 2- The Nerd-Extremist There are plenty of this type. Almost everyone in CUFE (Except me ofc). Students from this type would never let their GPA drop less than 4.0 or 3.9. Getting 3.89999999999999 might lead them to some suicidal acts or self-harm. They never skip a class and never leave a lost mark in a quiz unquestioned. 3-The top student-wanna-be These usually have a low IQ, but they are so pretentious. They stick to the nerds' asses and try too hard to befriend them. They never skip lectures,bytlaza2o fel drs w el TAs without mercy,...
14 comments
Read more

Inner Bullshit: After Midnight.

It has been a long while since I let out my inner bullshit on my blog. I haven't been writing anything about my own feelings, or I didn't try to put them in words, pour them out through my shaky fingertips pressing on the keyboard buttons, confused and bewildered. I am not sure of what I want exactly and I am not sure if I going to do anything about it. As for now, I am trying to put the letters next to each other to end up making any sense. I have to let it out. I need to. I need to runaway, and by running away, I don't mean from the place where I am sitting right now. It's not about home, it's not about land and it's not about this fucked up country. Those things are really small compared to all what I have inside my head. It usually feels like a whole new universe but without a sun or a moon. Light and dark comes in the form of emotions and feelings. The worst thing is that there's no time or clocks and it only hits me. It hits and grabs me along as I ...
4 comments
Read more

Charlie's poem from Perks of being a wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Chops" because that was the name of his dog And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and a gold star And his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to his aunts That was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo And he let them sing on the bus And his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair And his mother and father kissed a lot And the girl around the corner sent him a Valentine signed with a row of X's and he had to ask his father what the X's meant And his father always tucked him in bed at night And was always there to do it Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem And he called it "Autumn" because that was the name of the season And that's what it was all about And his teacher gave him an A and asked him to write more clearly And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of it...
1 comment
Read more