After midnight rants: A whispering self.

"I love you", my lips whispered to the breeze.

I don’t know who I am talking to or who should I be saying those three words to. It doesn’t matter. Words no longer know their way through me as much as I know mine through their maze. 
I like to write. I like the fact that I am writing now. I am not sure what I am writing, but it is art. I consider it one because right now, I am painting my brain and adding the last glimpses of confusion on my painting through kicking it all out in this pointless piece.

"I love you". These there words again.
I don’t know who I am talking to or who should I be saying those three words to. I have no clue.
The last time someone said these words to me was today. A close friend of mine said them to me, and they had no a single effect on me. I didn’t even blink. It is weird.

"I love you", "Bahebak/ek", "Seni seviyorum", "Je t’aime", "Te amo"..In all the languages, it was proven scientifically that these words have the strongest effect on a person. They were wrong. Words aren’t magic, but they know how to traumatize the weak. I can be saying the three words over and over and over, yet nothing.

"I love you". 
I don’t know who I am talking to or who should I be saying those three words to. 

Nothing.
Because I decide to not feel anything. I don’t open my palms for the words through my blood stream. I don’t let them freeze my nerves or reach my brain. I build my walls and only let the letters in, not the meaning.

"Reem, stop being harsh and mean. You aren’t dead inside" a background voice whispered to me.

And again, “I love you”.

Useless and bullshit. I can’t be moved.

Ah, I am not dead inside, but I choose to kill myself emotionally. I am alive, but I know my way through well and I take in no lies. I love writing and I know how a paragraph can make me fall for a person’s brain. I choose to not to let myself go. I can’t break free if it is going to involve people because mostly, people don’t mean what they say. I take it no more.

Throughout the decade I have been old enough to remember its scenes, Those three words were being abused by every human being I have met. It’s not my job to recognise whether they meant it or not, but too bad the eyes are there. I have watched people fall and stumble, breathe and die, smile and cry because of those three damned words. 
(I know I should end this piece now, but please let me finish)

And again, “I love you”.
I don’t know who I am talking to or who should I be saying those three words to. 

I have no feelings for anyone. I am indifferent and I like it. It’s nice.

My thoughts are racing and an innermost voice whispered to me: “I am in love with you”…

Yes, this. It is powerful. It is strong and it strikes. I am glad it is not literally abused as much as the other. I bet people are afraid of being committed to it. They should be anyway and I am glad they are, for the sake of not saying what they don’t mean but only choose to say it because it sounds as beautiful as their favourite movie script. Bullshit.

"I love you".

Maybe it is not related to words or language. Maybe I am lost or wrong. Maybe it is just a stage of denial because I am sure I have once loved..I am a human and I can’t be flawless and I could be tired.

"I am sorry. I am not capable of love any more." I whispered back to myself.