The Cairene

Today, I was stuck in the middle of traffic jam in Cairo, which is not something new. I wasn’t driving though. I was just sitting at the passenger seat, letting my brain stir my thoughts and let their floods rush through my head all over again. I thought of almost everything; my sins, my family, my failure, my disappointment, people, getting attached to that person I like and the person I despise for making me hate myself that much. I started feeling anxious and I lost my breathing rhythm. Thinking is not a good idea after all, but people are worse. I don’t know why we are given that power over each other. It terrifies me and it’s probably one of those thoughts that keep me up late at night. I found myself lost in my thoughts and then, I was somewhere else. Somewhere my brain stopped the process of stirring that old thoughts and I found myself staring at the people walking by. I was looking deeply into their faces. I saw this man who was walking with a smile on his face, maybe ...

Today, I went to Tahrir square, Kornish El Nil clashes to be particular. It was dark and scary at the start till I started hearing everyone chanting as it gave me peace.  The very front lines usually feel safer than the spots at the back The very front lines are dangerous because you are vis a vis with the police and their gunshots, but you are surrounded with those who are really fighting for fr eedom, with nothing to lose. Our chants got higher "We will show them anger, we will teach them morals" along with "Ya Rab" since it was raining and it was a good time for saying some Dua'aa. As people reunited, the numbers increased and our voices got lounder. *Tear gases followed by massive gunshots* Everyone was running to the back again so they escape the gases' smells and of course the bullets. You are forced to get pushed because some people run fast without even looking back, while some run while their eyes being shut due to the tear gases effects. I notice...

Right away after 25 January, 2010, people were hopeful. We were all being injected with that dose of Freedom that made us all happy. Everyone was walking in the street with a smile on their faces while bragging about how we toppled the old regime down. We were, literally, on the other side where the grass is greener.  A year passed.  Islamist and MB had more control, but we were still hoping. We c onvinced ourselves that they will not kill our hopes that got up too high after the previous year's achievement. We were all dreamers, with nightmares included. We just wanted to get rid of SCAF to be able to start ahead. Egypt was wounded; we either could have stopped the wound to make it leave a memorable scar, or leave her to bleed till she dies. Another year passed. (We learnt it the hard way). We kinda tried to heal Egypt's wound, but it wasn't the perfect bandage. It didn't fit so well, and Egypt kept bleeding more. Today, I was in Tahrir. It was so different and sad. It...

Not acknowledging the last time she ever felt happy or how does it feel like anymore ; she let her sadness enfold her reckless soul. Her inner monsters and demons decided to sit in and curb her thoughts that she has lost control over a while ago, cracking up her self-confidence and building up mountains of insecurity inside her where she held the whole world over her shoulders. Restless and reckless she takes her bitter breath hoping that she would stop breathing soon to get rid of all the reality’s gloom. Little did she know that it never gets better or the way we wish to does as she had a weak dim flame of hope that kept fading away with every disappointment she faces.  Storms of unhealthy thoughts and melancholic emotions roamed inside her awakening her monsters as they started eating her inside up till she became empty and unwanted. Nobody accepted her the way she is, nobody wanted her nor noticed her existence which has already started questioning herself about; it...

Today I dropped a plate in the Kitchen and it was broken into small pieces. Usually when I drop anything, you are left with broken pieces of different sizes. However, this is not what I am going to talk about. I was sweeping the shattered pieces of glass. It was obvious it can never be fixed, ever. I didn’t know if I swept it all, or there are other pieces that sneaked under the table or whatever. It was just some useless tiny pieces of glass that I can do nothing with but throw away. After all, it was the plate, broken but still. I know it was. Then I started to think of us, humans. How we get broken into pieces and manage to collect them all together just to survive. It’s more complicated when it comes to us. It’s not about being broken; it’s about how our pieces are all intangible but we manage to find them (maybe we don’t and would never again, but we seek them). It’s even harder that we have to fix those pieces, by ourselves. Nobody will sweep you, nobody will put you up again...

Dear self,  I don’t know how to tell you all of that. I don’t know if this is considered schizophrenic or weird. I only want to tell you many things in words which I could never deliver to you in silence. First of all, I know I sometimes say I hate you so much. I never appreciate you or feel good about you. I know it feels wrong and painful. It’s out of my hands, really. Things slip and we never know how to catch them while they fall. We let things slip and they grab us down with them. I end up being depressed and sad. It made me hate you. I don’t really hate you. I don’t, at least not as much as you think I do. I sometimes wonder about feelings and emotions; I wonder if you control them. I know it’s not my brain though I know it’s a son of a whore. Do you control the emotions? Can you take over feelings and decide how I actually feel before making me feel it? If yes, please stop it. I don’t want to feel anything, not even numb. I don’t want to feel bad. I don’t want ...

I find happiness in food, peace in books and life in death. I find smiles in pictures, pain in faces and souls in breaths. I find secrets in eyes, scars in flesh and movement in rest. I find lies in words, tears in rain, and loneliness in souls. I find power in words, weakness in voices and sadness in flesh. I find hypocrisy in feelings, knives in love and blood in ‘I love you’ I find chills in change, memories in revolutions, and fear in the enemy. I find panic in laughter, reasons in questions and answers in gazes, I find everything in black& white, and meanings in colours. I find beauty in art, God in peace, and infinity in believing. I find myself lost, home in your shoulders and warmth between your arms. I find everything in you, the right and the good, the wrong and bad. I have found you once, but not anymore.

Here’s to everyone and everything, Here’s to the odds and what we don’t know. Here’s to the pain and letting go Here’s to all cancer patients, who fought the battle till the end. Here’s to the soul, For being strong enough to stay in. Here’s to the friends, for always being there. Here’s to the kind strangers, who gave us another reason to hold on. Here’s to the music, For being there when no one was. Here’s to the tears, For making it a little better. Here’s to the books, for the journeys they took us at. Here’s to the smiles, For the unexpected dose of hope. Here’s to our flaws and insecurities for making us more humble. Here’s to the dead, for not making it to this moment. Here’s to all what I have mentioned above, and all what I haven’t. Here’s to  You , That person who’s the reason I write this. Reem Khorshid, 2nd January 2013.

Another year wasted, another 365 days gone. Another sleepless nights and unspoken feelings. The year ended and I don’t know what’s the point of defining life by days, week, months or years. It doesn't matter since we don’t really achieve anything. Yeah, we could do some stuff, get some work done and more shit together, but after all, we are just humans. We are weak and vulnerable. We hope for the best every New Year’s Eve and fall off hard, even a day after. 2012 wasn't so good to me, not even 2011 or 2011. We question our existence and blame our parents for bringing us to life. I don’t expect a year to be good to me. I don’t like me either. I have hurt people, lied to others and let down some. I am not perfect and I am full of flaws which define me. Yes, that’s what defines me; my flaws and insecurities. This post was supposed to be about 2012 and the upcoming ones, but I don’t know why I started ranting.. Anyway, I don’t believe in wanting a year to...