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Dear Self, (I know)


Dear self, 
I don’t know how to tell you all of that. I don’t know if this is considered schizophrenic or weird. I only want to tell you many things in words which I could never deliver to you in silence.

First of all, I know I sometimes say I hate you so much. I never appreciate you or feel good about you. I know it feels wrong and painful. It’s out of my hands, really. Things slip and we never know how to catch them while they fall. We let things slip and they grab us down with them. I end up being depressed and sad. It made me hate you.
I don’t really hate you. I don’t, at least not as much as you think I do.

I sometimes wonder about feelings and emotions; I wonder if you control them. I know it’s not my brain though I know it’s a son of a whore. Do you control the emotions? Can you take over feelings and decide how I actually feel before making me feel it? If yes, please stop it. I don’t want to feel anything, not even numb. I don’t want to feel bad. I don’t want to feel good. I want to be left in peace.

Am I asking for too much? I know I could be asking for quite lots of things, but I have suffered from a lot more. I don’t know if you ever realised that or not. Do you?

Oh self, your soul is beautiful (that’s what people say and that’s how I feel when you make a good difference in someone’s life), just stop explaining yourself. Stop taking all the bullets of everyone. Stop letting them take you for granted, and stop the tears which are falling right now.

* A deep breath*

Now you are tired. I know you are because nobody feels you more than I do. Don’t explain yourself more. Don’t rant. You don’t have to explain yourself or let it out when you are sick to. I understand.

I know you have those footprints of people who let you down. I know it’s so painful and irritating how the memories go by. It makes you feel bad over and over. It makes you feel speechless, in a very bad way. I am going to give you a break. You will be left alone for a while. You will have time to feel good and bad. You will have time to heal your wounds, watch them turn to beautiful scars.

People make you sick, I know it. I will stay away from them, don’t worry. You will have some quality time. You might be able to stand up again, you might not. You won’t let anyone take you for granted. You won’t have to worry about the trust issues you have. You won’t need to fake being okay. You won’t have to be ignored; for you I am listening till the very late hours of the day.

I know you wish to fly away freely. It feels bad to have wings but know you can’t use them because you are stuck in a flesh.

I know a lot more than what I have mentioned; I also know that you can’t hear it anymore. 
I will remain quiet and watch your lonesome grief in silence, and I’m sure you wouldn't feel lonely because you and I are one.

Love always,
None.

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