Today, I was stuck in the middle of traffic jam in Cairo, which is not something new. I wasn’t driving though. I was just sitting at the passenger seat, letting my brain stir my thoughts and let their floods rush through my head all over again.
I thought of almost everything; my sins, my family, my failure, my disappointment, people, getting attached to that person I like and the person I despise for making me hate myself that much. I started feeling anxious and I lost my breathing rhythm. Thinking is not a good idea after all, but people are worse. I don’t know why we are given that power over each other. It terrifies me and it’s probably one of those thoughts that keep me up late at night.
I found myself lost in my thoughts and then, I was somewhere else. Somewhere my brain stopped the process of stirring that old thoughts and I found myself staring at the people walking by. I was looking deeply into their faces. I saw this man who was walking with a smile on his face, maybe his beautiful wife is waiting for him to come home and he can’t wait to reunite with her again. I found this mother holding her little boy’s hand and rushing to the other way, maybe she is late or worried about her son’s future. I saw that old man wearing that light Galabeya in this cold weather and I wondered if he’s feeling cold. His face could tell secrets and stories, but when I reached to his eyes, I knew them all. I saw that young girl in her teenage years holding books in her hands and I was curious to know what she is reading, but her fast rushing steps took away my chance.
The traffic became smoother and the car started to move, not as fast as I’d wish, but at least we weren’t frozen in our place. I watched their faces slowly being erased from my head we drive by till I found myself getting all my past unhealthy thoughts again.
Something stroked my mind. I mean, I am thinking about people, how I hate that we have feelings for them, how they are one of the reasons we feel bad about ourselves, how it sucks that they are the ones to decide our happiness and how everything about me revolves around them. It’s self loathing but I had a second thought when I realized that people, also, are the ones who made me stop that floods of over-thinking I was having before I watch them. I know I don’t know them, but they are humans with the same biological combination of those who make me feel bad. People are the reason you get the self-loathe, and them, are the distraction away from it.
I came to conclusion that in people I will find peace, and in them I will find grief. I found peace in watching strangers from a distance and I found grief in interacting and getting attached. If that doesn’t sum up everything we are, I don’t know what should.
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