It has been a long while since I let out my inner bullshit on my blog. I haven't been writing anything about my own feelings, or I didn't try to put them in words, pour them out through my shaky fingertips pressing on the keyboard buttons, confused and bewildered.
I am not sure of what I want exactly and I am not sure if I going to do anything about it. As for now, I am trying to put the letters next to each other to end up making any sense. I have to let it out. I need to.
I need to runaway, and by running away, I don't mean from the place where I am sitting right now. It's not about home, it's not about land and it's not about this fucked up country. Those things are really small compared to all what I have inside my head. It usually feels like a whole new universe but without a sun or a moon. Light and dark comes in the form of emotions and feelings. The worst thing is that there's no time or clocks and it only hits me. It hits and grabs me along as I drown inside my head.
I said "drown inside my head"...Who's drowning? How does one drown inside self? I don't know.
I want to run away, from my feelings, my thoughts, my commitments, my friends. I want to run away from the life I am living, from the people I know and from everything I am familiar with. I need a change, not a stranger to listen. I need to live some other life which ain't mine, but I will make it become. I am not sure if I am capable to take a huge step to change myself, and I don't even know the start line or the road to it. I want to run away from myself. I don't really no who I am. I don't really like the person who's typing this post right now. I need her gone.
I have many people around me who are willing to help. I don't know what I need, so their existence doesn't matter. I don't need anyone's help either, and I need to help myself.
It's sad. It's okay to be sad. The whole planet is sad and I am okay with my sadness. Lately, I have been going through that sad phase and it's lingering on. But it's evolving into more feelings that I can't get used to. Self loathe spreading all over each corner of my veins, it's worse than I ever thought it could be. Rooted inside the sadness that's already there, it doesn't let me run.
I tried to search for the reason of all of the bullshit buried inside. I can't blame people, we are naturally assholes. The human race isn't perfect and no one is the person I thought they are. It was my fault, somehow. I let them in. I squeezed my sadness and loathe, and let them in. Imagine it with me, squeezing the inner shit to make a space for someone. At the start, you don't feel the pain, but as they walk away, they leave that gap where the previously squeezed inner shit start flowing inside to fill the gaps' base. I ended up with wide gaps with strong roots of sadness which I can't wring out nor uproot.
It's fine and it's not. It's bad but I can't see how worse it can get. As for now, it's 3:00 am and I should be sleeping but eyes know no sleep as long as the soul cannot rest.
To all the tired souls, stay in peace, and goodnight for the sleepy ones.
I am not sure of what I want exactly and I am not sure if I going to do anything about it. As for now, I am trying to put the letters next to each other to end up making any sense. I have to let it out. I need to.
I need to runaway, and by running away, I don't mean from the place where I am sitting right now. It's not about home, it's not about land and it's not about this fucked up country. Those things are really small compared to all what I have inside my head. It usually feels like a whole new universe but without a sun or a moon. Light and dark comes in the form of emotions and feelings. The worst thing is that there's no time or clocks and it only hits me. It hits and grabs me along as I drown inside my head.
I said "drown inside my head"...Who's drowning? How does one drown inside self? I don't know.
I want to run away, from my feelings, my thoughts, my commitments, my friends. I want to run away from the life I am living, from the people I know and from everything I am familiar with. I need a change, not a stranger to listen. I need to live some other life which ain't mine, but I will make it become. I am not sure if I am capable to take a huge step to change myself, and I don't even know the start line or the road to it. I want to run away from myself. I don't really no who I am. I don't really like the person who's typing this post right now. I need her gone.
I have many people around me who are willing to help. I don't know what I need, so their existence doesn't matter. I don't need anyone's help either, and I need to help myself.
It's sad. It's okay to be sad. The whole planet is sad and I am okay with my sadness. Lately, I have been going through that sad phase and it's lingering on. But it's evolving into more feelings that I can't get used to. Self loathe spreading all over each corner of my veins, it's worse than I ever thought it could be. Rooted inside the sadness that's already there, it doesn't let me run.
I tried to search for the reason of all of the bullshit buried inside. I can't blame people, we are naturally assholes. The human race isn't perfect and no one is the person I thought they are. It was my fault, somehow. I let them in. I squeezed my sadness and loathe, and let them in. Imagine it with me, squeezing the inner shit to make a space for someone. At the start, you don't feel the pain, but as they walk away, they leave that gap where the previously squeezed inner shit start flowing inside to fill the gaps' base. I ended up with wide gaps with strong roots of sadness which I can't wring out nor uproot.
It's fine and it's not. It's bad but I can't see how worse it can get. As for now, it's 3:00 am and I should be sleeping but eyes know no sleep as long as the soul cannot rest.
To all the tired souls, stay in peace, and goodnight for the sleepy ones.
Not sure how to comment, bas I have been there before, and I think I still am. I'm not sure where you will end, bas I am sure you will get somewhere better. And there is a reason you're feeling this, be patient and it shall all make sense someday:) Have a nice day =)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much:)
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ReplyDeletethanks:)
ReplyDelete