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I don't know.

Some things happen without a sign or a miracle. I lost all my wars and battles, and I don't know why. I feel sad, all the time, like there is nothing that ever make me smile again although I try. I fail, and I don't know why. I am always down, being grabbed deeper below by some abstract force and I don't fight myself. I don't know how. I have lost interests in all what I have always loved and I can't go back. I can't get you, nor my old self back. I won't try because I know my inner voice will say 'I don't know'.
I don't know what I am writing now or what's the point, but if you are asking; here's my answer: I don't know. 
I take long walks into the dark side. I like it in a way that I have never known. I am messy, emotionally numb and confused. Don't ask, we both know that I don't know. 
I watch people and sank into their moves and unspoken words. I know them all, but when it comes to me saying what I saw out loud, I just don't know. 

I know few stuff, and I know there is more that I don't know.

I am fucked up, broken beyond repair, lost my faith and lost my head. I have been asking myself about myself esteem and confidence, but I replied myself with an 'I don't know'. 

My inner voices got louder now: "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know..."
I breathe to shut them out and focus, but I can't and I don't know. 


I must try to find something I know, something I used to own or do, something that would crash my apathy and set me free. 

I know. I know I don't know, but knowing that is knowledge in its place. 
I know pain. I know late nights depressions. I know waiting for what will never happen. I know books. I know music and Rock. Smoke and balloons. I know too many faces and yours. 
I know them but I don't know if I really want to keep knowing. I forget and I am stuck back in that time before I stop knowing. I don't care. 

A lot to learn and more to let go of. A lot to know and more to get rid of. A lot to remember and less to forget. And out of all what I have known and what I will and still does, I used to know you so well, but now I don't know you, and not that I have ever known your face. I don't know you, not anymore.

Comments

  1. Not knowing is the only answer worth searching for. People, Life, Hardship; yes it might be scattered and in the midst of a scorching fire filled room, but not knowing is the mystery to finding the solution thats waiting on the other end. Grasp onto the thing that holds you up, for a fire is rapid and overwhelming but through the smoke comes a new day and a new foundation to build upon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I get your point. Thank you so much.

      Delete

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