The Cairene

Today, I was stuck in the middle of traffic jam in Cairo, which is not something new. I wasn’t driving though. I was just sitting at the passenger seat, letting my brain stir my thoughts and let their floods rush through my head all over again. I thought of almost everything; my sins, my family, my failure, my disappointment, people, getting attached to that person I like and the person I despise for making me hate myself that much. I started feeling anxious and I lost my breathing rhythm. Thinking is not a good idea after all, but people are worse. I don’t know why we are given that power over each other. It terrifies me and it’s probably one of those thoughts that keep me up late at night. I found myself lost in my thoughts and then, I was somewhere else. Somewhere my brain stopped the process of stirring that old thoughts and I found myself staring at the people walking by. I was looking deeply into their faces. I saw this man who was walking with a smile on his face, maybe ...

Today, I went to Tahrir square, Kornish El Nil clashes to be particular. It was dark and scary at the start till I started hearing everyone chanting as it gave me peace.  The very front lines usually feel safer than the spots at the back The very front lines are dangerous because you are vis a vis with the police and their gunshots, but you are surrounded with those who are really fighting for fr eedom, with nothing to lose. Our chants got higher "We will show them anger, we will teach them morals" along with "Ya Rab" since it was raining and it was a good time for saying some Dua'aa. As people reunited, the numbers increased and our voices got lounder. *Tear gases followed by massive gunshots* Everyone was running to the back again so they escape the gases' smells and of course the bullets. You are forced to get pushed because some people run fast without even looking back, while some run while their eyes being shut due to the tear gases effects. I notice...

Right away after 25 January, 2010, people were hopeful. We were all being injected with that dose of Freedom that made us all happy. Everyone was walking in the street with a smile on their faces while bragging about how we toppled the old regime down. We were, literally, on the other side where the grass is greener.  A year passed.  Islamist and MB had more control, but we were still hoping. We c onvinced ourselves that they will not kill our hopes that got up too high after the previous year's achievement. We were all dreamers, with nightmares included. We just wanted to get rid of SCAF to be able to start ahead. Egypt was wounded; we either could have stopped the wound to make it leave a memorable scar, or leave her to bleed till she dies. Another year passed. (We learnt it the hard way). We kinda tried to heal Egypt's wound, but it wasn't the perfect bandage. It didn't fit so well, and Egypt kept bleeding more. Today, I was in Tahrir. It was so different and sad. It...

Not acknowledging the last time she ever felt happy or how does it feel like anymore ; she let her sadness enfold her reckless soul. Her inner monsters and demons decided to sit in and curb her thoughts that she has lost control over a while ago, cracking up her self-confidence and building up mountains of insecurity inside her where she held the whole world over her shoulders. Restless and reckless she takes her bitter breath hoping that she would stop breathing soon to get rid of all the reality’s gloom. Little did she know that it never gets better or the way we wish to does as she had a weak dim flame of hope that kept fading away with every disappointment she faces.  Storms of unhealthy thoughts and melancholic emotions roamed inside her awakening her monsters as they started eating her inside up till she became empty and unwanted. Nobody accepted her the way she is, nobody wanted her nor noticed her existence which has already started questioning herself about; it...

Today I dropped a plate in the Kitchen and it was broken into small pieces. Usually when I drop anything, you are left with broken pieces of different sizes. However, this is not what I am going to talk about. I was sweeping the shattered pieces of glass. It was obvious it can never be fixed, ever. I didn’t know if I swept it all, or there are other pieces that sneaked under the table or whatever. It was just some useless tiny pieces of glass that I can do nothing with but throw away. After all, it was the plate, broken but still. I know it was. Then I started to think of us, humans. How we get broken into pieces and manage to collect them all together just to survive. It’s more complicated when it comes to us. It’s not about being broken; it’s about how our pieces are all intangible but we manage to find them (maybe we don’t and would never again, but we seek them). It’s even harder that we have to fix those pieces, by ourselves. Nobody will sweep you, nobody will put you up again...

Dear self,  I don’t know how to tell you all of that. I don’t know if this is considered schizophrenic or weird. I only want to tell you many things in words which I could never deliver to you in silence. First of all, I know I sometimes say I hate you so much. I never appreciate you or feel good about you. I know it feels wrong and painful. It’s out of my hands, really. Things slip and we never know how to catch them while they fall. We let things slip and they grab us down with them. I end up being depressed and sad. It made me hate you. I don’t really hate you. I don’t, at least not as much as you think I do. I sometimes wonder about feelings and emotions; I wonder if you control them. I know it’s not my brain though I know it’s a son of a whore. Do you control the emotions? Can you take over feelings and decide how I actually feel before making me feel it? If yes, please stop it. I don’t want to feel anything, not even numb. I don’t want to feel bad. I don’t want ...

I find happiness in food, peace in books and life in death. I find smiles in pictures, pain in faces and souls in breaths. I find secrets in eyes, scars in flesh and movement in rest. I find lies in words, tears in rain, and loneliness in souls. I find power in words, weakness in voices and sadness in flesh. I find hypocrisy in feelings, knives in love and blood in ‘I love you’ I find chills in change, memories in revolutions, and fear in the enemy. I find panic in laughter, reasons in questions and answers in gazes, I find everything in black& white, and meanings in colours. I find beauty in art, God in peace, and infinity in believing. I find myself lost, home in your shoulders and warmth between your arms. I find everything in you, the right and the good, the wrong and bad. I have found you once, but not anymore.

Here’s to everyone and everything, Here’s to the odds and what we don’t know. Here’s to the pain and letting go Here’s to all cancer patients, who fought the battle till the end. Here’s to the soul, For being strong enough to stay in. Here’s to the friends, for always being there. Here’s to the kind strangers, who gave us another reason to hold on. Here’s to the music, For being there when no one was. Here’s to the tears, For making it a little better. Here’s to the books, for the journeys they took us at. Here’s to the smiles, For the unexpected dose of hope. Here’s to our flaws and insecurities for making us more humble. Here’s to the dead, for not making it to this moment. Here’s to all what I have mentioned above, and all what I haven’t. Here’s to  You , That person who’s the reason I write this. Reem Khorshid, 2nd January 2013.

Another year wasted, another 365 days gone. Another sleepless nights and unspoken feelings. The year ended and I don’t know what’s the point of defining life by days, week, months or years. It doesn't matter since we don’t really achieve anything. Yeah, we could do some stuff, get some work done and more shit together, but after all, we are just humans. We are weak and vulnerable. We hope for the best every New Year’s Eve and fall off hard, even a day after. 2012 wasn't so good to me, not even 2011 or 2011. We question our existence and blame our parents for bringing us to life. I don’t expect a year to be good to me. I don’t like me either. I have hurt people, lied to others and let down some. I am not perfect and I am full of flaws which define me. Yes, that’s what defines me; my flaws and insecurities. This post was supposed to be about 2012 and the upcoming ones, but I don’t know why I started ranting.. Anyway, I don’t believe in wanting a year to...

We don’t control our feelings toward anyone. We just can’t undo feeling something. We get stuck in wanting something which we probably can’t have. She knows about that and maybe more, but she just can not cope or relax. It haunts her thoughts and forces her to shed tears. It bothers her how she’s clinging but with that part inside her begging her to let go. She can’t have them, yet she can’t escape them. She have to stop loving those who don’t notice her, yet she can’t stop nor hate. It freezes her mind and blow away her confidence. It built up walls of indescribable feelings inside her. Those walls of burdens are full of holes of uncertainty which she’s afraid if they fell, they would grab her down. She doesn't want her bad decisions to lead her to her downfall, but it’s not in her hands. She isn't controlling herself anymore. She’s always gone unnoticed. Maybe it helps her to give up on trying, but it doesn't help when it comes to self love....

I don’t what I want to say or how I am going to start this. Let’s agree that I will just let my fingers touch the Keyboard and the bullshit will come out eventually. *SPOILER*: I am going to just rant. If you aren't allergic to bullshit, keep reading. If you are allergic to bullshit, keep fucking reading! Falling for someone is stupid. Needing someone is awful. This ain't working but i am just expressing how I have realised that there is no such a thing called getting over someone or forgetting about them. We don’t simply forget about someone who once moved us. Some people will always own that corner of you brain no matter how fast they ran or how bad they hurt you.  It doesn't have to be about love and relationships, it’s just about human beings and their power to ruin each other.  Maybe you don’t keep wanting that person in your life, but there will be time when they start fucking up your mind and their small corner in your brain w...

I am mentally exhausted. I am broke and I don’t know if it’s because I want you or because I won’t admit it to you. I don’t want to know either. I’d wish to have you but I won’t. I’d tell you that I need you but I don’t. I can’t love you as much as I like you. I am falling but not in love and I don’t know what I am falling into which is making it more sophisticated. Yes, I want your least attention but I don’t want it because it makes me greedy while I can’t have more. I am sick of over thinking about something that will never exist. I am sick of you and your perfection in my eyes though you are so screwed and imperfect.  Your name depresses me and puts a smile on my face at the same time. But I should hold my shit together and you aren't letting me. I am stuck in the middle of liking you and not having the courage to tell you about it. I don’t know my chances but I won’t chase you. I know I will eventually hate you. I do now but I don’t. Sooner or...

At some times, you will feel that you are drowning. It’s not real, but it’s worse. Can you imagine drowning with your feet on the ground? It’s knowing what to do and not knowing how or where. It can even be more complicated that you’d think the world is conspiring against you. It happens. Life has planned this to each and everyone of us. Do you question your existence? Apparently, I do. I know I am alive because God has created us for a reason. But, it is not like I want you to keep doing this. I don’t. This is not supposed to be suicidal but why am I alive again?  Along with all of this, you will need someone to save you. You will find a lot of people and friends helping you out, doing their best to put a smile on you face, even a fake one. You’ll find out that they are trying to pour some happiness all over you. But what if your happiness is attached to someone specific? Here, you will start drowning really. You won’t ever be saved except by th...

“I promise”, he said.  She smiled and breathed him in. He had his arms around her and blew a soft kiss on the top of her nose. Their eyes met and he earned her trust, after losing it too many times before.  He broke too many promises before; to never let go, to never cheat, to never lie, to never hurt her or make her feel lonely. She believed, all his lies. She loved him with all her heart. She knew love. Felt love. She loved the way he made her feel. She was weak, lonely, depressed and lost hope in everything. She got the worst nightmares. He stepped in and changed it all.  He changed her, without her noticing.  To her, everything evolved around him. She dreamed about him and woke up to his texts and phone calls.  He promised her today to never let her go. They went for a walk. It was full of laughs, kisses, hugs and cuddles. It was heaven on earth and they had nothing to worry about, just time. They watched the sunset together, kissed s...

It could be weird to think that way, but I just think that way. I don’t know how to start actually but it is like..don’t you ever think about people saying “I love my life” or saying “I am living the best times of my whole life”. Take a deeper look. Biologically, living means breathing. Basically, living means surviving. I mean, we all breathe. We all have lungs. We are all surviving. Truth to be told, we aren’t all really living.  Depression, break ups, divorce and all of the bad things; they exist and they can make you lose the grip of your body. You slip away softly and if you didn’t catch up, it could end up with not even surviving.  Let us no go away from the main point.  I believe there is a difference. God have plans but this is not about life and death. It is about us human beings and our existence. Sometimes I am breathing but not really breathing. I am just surviving the absence of life; death. But it doesn’t mean I am living.  Living is to be ...

Some spend thousands on watches, maybe to give the prestige and maybe to really use it. I don’t use watches for this, and I don’t even wear one.  I don’t believe in time. Yes of course exams will have time limit and I have to organize myself, but I do this by heart. They say time fly, but not really. I would make a bond with time and it decides to stay at the end. I am sure you don’t get a word of what I have said above, so let me start again. How were clocks invented? The sunset, and the sunrise? The earth revolves around the sun at constant speed and some sciences materials which I don’t really know accurately. Let me start again. I mean, I wake up by sunrise and I know it is morning. When the sun decides to leave (or the point I live at decides to give its back to the sun), night starts. I start to feel that and sense that. I feel the day is ending when I run out of energy in summer. I feel the day ending when I am sleepy in winter. Let away insomnia)....

Hear me speak, in my silence. Listen to my breath, in my death. See me cry, in my smiles. Watch me rise, as you fall. See my happiness, in my struggles. See the truth, within my lies. Watch the oceans, inside my eyes. Get away, of my life. I need space. I need peace.

Crammed emotions inside you. Squeezed words jammed too. You need magic to get them out. You can’t find enough words, or courage. You keep them for yourself. If you tried, you won’t even spell. In few words, you can say it well In words of silence, I understand. Look into my eyes, I’ll take your hands. Stay silent and look at me.  Because, again my friend; In few words of silence,  your feelings; are what your heart tells. 

Like feathers, things could fall. Like glasses, they break your soul. Alone or in a crowd, it chases you. Cause you are a part inside it all. You can’t escape. Do all what you want, so bad you will fail. Up or down, you will still be there. You can’t escape. Run or walk. Do everything. Life chases you and teaches you, The hard way. Hide under the blanket, shut the doors. You tried all the ways now. Reality says that you are still there. So Stop trying to escape.  and wash your sins instead.

He was born in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the war with its gloomy atmosphere that is only filled with fear. He was born inside the scene of people screaming, the blood showering and the sound of  bombs that can cause a complete deafness. Years have passed and he became 7 years old, and with every breath he takes, he hates the enemy more and more. Everyday he fills his heart with more hate to Israel...He had wishes that one day  he would have the power destroy them and get back his only warm home; Palestine. The hate increased when he lost his dad at his ninth birthday, and his heart was refilled with more hatred when he came back from school to find his house in pieces. And one good thing...He learned to never know fear or tears. He grew up to be a strong little man who fights to free his country from the occupy. He prayed to God to free Palestine...More years passed and he grew older like an untamed lion searching to eat his prey till his heart became almost compl...

Some people feel so much pity for the disabled people. You can be like "Oh, they can't hear well, or they suffer from so and so", but the truth is that these (or we as I have disability in my hearing sense) are so much stronger than you. You can feel we are sad or weak, but you just need to see through them not  just look them as a disabled or out of actions. Every disabled person has many other blessings which nobody else could have. Having a hearing impairment doesn't stop me from getting involved. On the other hand, I believe that I have many other things which I am thankful for. I can tell what are you saying through watching your  lip-syncs. Just observing the lips and I can respond easy. Also, I can know how people feel about the others by just seeing them and their facial expression or attitude. I can look inside you, not at you. We have faith buried deep inside us. Some could think that we always feel bad or ashamed, but this is not right, at all. I ...

I got back from school. I have nothing to say, but everyday things change. People change for reasons 'I know'. I know why you are doing this and that. I can read your minds through your eyes' iris. That's how it goes. My mind turns around and around. It falls and gets up again. I don't care about how people react, but myself. It reacts. It is not me who react, but some other girl inside me react and ache. I don't have any specific reason to write this..I am just opening up. My life has nothing to hide about. You can all figure it out easy and know everything. I won't say that's life; I would say that's everything. Smiles and laughs which I know the dislike or hate behind. I don't need that. I prefer keeping away from people, not because I am lonely, but I don't want to know a lot and fake it when it is about loving them; that's worse. Not inspiring quotes, nor something or someone will make you feel better. It is your mind, when it de...

الشهيد مش ميت، الشهيد حي مابينا. احنا بننزل الميدان و ماسبيرو، و لما نمشي هو بيعتصم..علشان يشجعنا ننزل تأني و عاشر. يفرح أوي لما نهتفله و ندعيله..و رصاصة تعدي من بين روحه تأني و توجعه لما يحس ان الثوار تعبوا. ف بأعلي صوت لازم نقول" متعبناش متعبناش" و الشهيد هيكمل معانا و يقول"الحرية مش ببلاش".                                        الفاتحة علي روح شهداء الحرية و الكرامة.. يسقط حكم العسكر.

Pictures from Ultras March